How perfectionism is driving your behavior as a teacher (and how to break free)
There I was. All cozied up under the covers. Hitting the snooze button. Again. Then again. And then again.
Thinking back to that time in my life when I was routinely praying for a storm day so I could climb back into my warm bed, I remember thinking…I just wish I had more energy and I wish I had my passion back.
That’s all I wanted.
I still liked teaching. But I was finding it hard, because of the time I was putting into it.
I was taking tons of my own time to plan and prep, which is what teachers do, right? Just part of the job?
But it meant I wasn’t hanging out with my own kids, actually listening to their little stories and putting effort into my Lego creations when I sat and “played” with them. My mind was on the bag of correcting I never got to and home stuff that still needed to get done before bed.
I did toy, over the years, with the thought of what life would be like if I weren’t a teacher, but I knew it wasn’t part of my path to leave, quite yet. Someday? Maybe. But not yet.
But it WAS part of my path to figure out how to make teaching feel more SUSTAINABLE for me so that I could stay AND enjoy it.
The focus of this post is the “U” in SUSTAINABLE which stands for:
Uncover your stories and mindset stuff (so you can begin to deal with it, make changes, and start to feel better).
This was pivotal for me when I was so exhausted and trying to get that extra few minutes of sleep, and even though I consider myself to be reasonably smart, it took me a hot minute and some coaching to see what was really going on for me.
So basically, everyone has stories.
Everyone. They’re what form the basis of our lives.
These are things we accept as true without really thinking about it. And true or not, sometimes they’re helpful and sometimes they’re not.
And mindset stuff?
Those are beliefs and perspectives that can be helpful and move us forward - think “growth mindset” or drain your energy and steal your time, which is what was happening to me.
I realized what was costing me SOOOOO much time and draining my energy was my “perfectionism” mindset around school stuff.
Plus, I also had stories about what a good teacher does that weren’t actually true and weren’t helpful, at all.
Before I dig into my own perfectionism story, here is a quick list of some super common ways that mindset stuff and stories may be impacting you - possibly without you realizing what’s going on (I’ve *starred* the ones that were the biggest offenders for me - just for fun).
Perfectionism and unrealistically high standards*
Believing you have to overwork in order to be an effective teacher*
People-Pleasing (Not wanting to say no - or wanting to, but not knowing how in a way that feels okay)
Believing that good teachers…x…y…z…don’t leave at contract time, for example*
Comparing yourself with others
Teacher or mom guilt (or both, because you feel like you’re doing your best but also always letting someone down)*
Not wanting to delegate or accept help - because you don’t want to impose on someone else
So let’s imagine then, you’re someone with super high standards for yourself (that’s me🙋♀️).
So, back to the version of me, hiding under the covers, hitting that snooze button….
The reason I was snoozing was that I was stuck in a loop of staying up late to get stuff done for school and around the house. And I was tired (which as I’m sure you know, doesn’t lead to a positive energetic version of you - but a dragging your ass out of bed, annoyed version).
But I hadn’t yet made the connection that it was really my perfectionism that was behind WHY I was staying up late in the first place, which was creating this loop and having a HUGE negative impact on my energy because…
Drumroll….I wasn’t getting the rest I needed to function.
I felt like teaching was unsustainable because there was never enough time to do everything. And to be a good teacher, I needed to do everything.
All the time. To 110% level.
The kids deserved it and I knew it was possible, I just had to get the right balance and strategies to get there. Right?
I’d dump so much time and energy into the perfect math lessons, complete with games, activities, videos, manipulatives, and figuring out how to connect tesselations to real life, making sure to address all the learning needs of every kid in the room.
You can probably see the issue, here.
I believed I had to have these shiny lessons, every day to be a good teacher.
I had to differentiate, every day.
I had to focus on what all the of the kids needed, every single day.
I had to make sure everything was as engaging as possible, every day.
And maybe you can, for a little while.
But then you have a bigger than normal class-size.
More behavior issues.
Additional learning needs.
Or, the curriculum changes.
You get a new Math text.
You get a new course to teach.
You have to teach in a pandemic (or in a very disregulated post-pandemic situation).
Your own kids get into more after-school activities requiring your time.
Or a million other things happen.
For me, trying to be an awesome teacher, with engaging lessons and trying to make the class fun every day, made me feel like I was doing a good job at school.
But it also made me super tired and guilty about the mom I wasn’t being because I dumped all of my mental and physical resources into the teacher bucket and there wasn’t a lot left for the mom bucket. And the ME bucket? I’m not even sure where that was.
Once I was able to see the impact my perfectionism was having on my school stuff and my time, and how that use of time was affecting the other areas of my life I was able to decide to do things differently.
Let me explain a little more about what was going on here because my perfectionism was playing an important role for me.
Back then, I learned that I was trying to do a stellar job because that felt safe for me. It’s who I was (and still am, if I’m honest). Our brains are always trying to keep us safe and (get ready…) it all goes back to cavepeople times.
Yep, in those days, being rejected for whatever reason meant being tossed out of the cave and fending for yourself which probably meant you’d perish.
Not a great outcome.
Now, we’re not in cavepeople times anymore, but our brains are still wired that way. For me, my perfectionism mindset was keeping me safe because doing a great job meant belonging and approval- from admin, the kids, and parents. Approval = acceptance and acceptance = safe.
So subconsciously, it went like this….
“If I don’t do as good of a job as I think I can and need to…that will lead to disapproval and rejection because I’m not doing enough for the students.
I don’t want to be told I’m not doing a good enough job. Rejection feels super threatening. The embarrassment and self-loathing is not worth the risk.
So I need to find just ONE MORE cool activity, even though I’ve already spent 2 hours on these lessons. My acceptance (and safety) depends on it. ”
The problem is that you’re never done.
So I was left looking for practical ways to make teaching feel more sustainable and that meant addressing my perfectionism (letting go of a few other stories, too).
I thought you had to stay until 5pm every day (that’s what I saw all the good teachers do).
If I left at contract time, I’d be talked about, wouldn’t I? There’s that acceptance thing again. I didn’t want to be tossed out of the cave and eaten by a saber tooth tiger…It never occurred to me that the teachers leaving at contract time were doing so because, to be a great teacher, they needed to do stuff that energized them, other than teaching - like spend time with their families and go for a run and read for pleasure.
Duh. Seems so obvious now.
But stories are strong and usually invisible and unconscious - sooooo not really easy to spot even when you’re looking for them.
I’m so grateful I was able to connect with mentors who helped me see what was really going on and figure out how to be the teacher I want to be, without sacrificing the mom and person I want to be, in the process.
I’m a good teacher. And so are you. (We’re pretty great, actually.)
And working harder, longer hours, making every lesson like one you’d do for observation in university - that’s not real life.
Not when there are other, more important things you want to devote your time to, like your health, your family, and other passions aside from teaching.
Truth time. There is literally a list of people ready to take your job tomorrow if something happens and you can’t come to work.
I’m sorry, but it’s how our job is.
We want to think we’re irreplaceable and no one can do it like us. But the fact is that if you didn’t show up at work tomorrow, someone else would be in your classroom teaching those kids.
You (and me…we) are 100% replaceable at work.
But, we are 1 000 000% irreplaceable at home.
That mindset shift (and lots of others I made) started an avalanche that shifted everything.
Over time, those small shifts started to take hold and feel safer.
I started to get to bed at a decent hour so I didn’t feel the desire to hit the snooze button 11 times.
I started to leave work at 4:30 instead of 5. And then 4:00…and nothing scary happened.
That extra hour added to my evening meant supper was so much easier to tackle, plus I wasn’t as exhausted when I got home and so I had more capacity to enjoy my own kids.
If you’re still with me and any of this is resonating and you’re wondering where to start:
Revisit that list of possible mindset offenders from above and grab your journal.
Choose one that feels like it’s an issue for you
Free write, exploring how this belief/mindset is costing you time, energy, and mental resources.
Be patient with yourself and see what comes up. Uncovering those mindset issues is the first step - then you get to decide what you want to do differently.
Remember, what your students need is a teacher who is mostly prepared, cares deeply about their learning AND about them as people.
And you’ve got all that covered, my friend.
Any extra time, preparation, and fancy bells and whistles are probably more about YOU trying to (subconsciously) fulfill your human need to feel safe and accepted (and avoid being thrown out of the cave) than about their learning needs.
That realization was mind-blowing, for me.
I hope you give yourself space to consider if that’s also what’s going on for you. Because when you’re able to uncover your mindset stuff, you can take action to break free from it, make teaching feel more sustainable, and have the time for all the amazing parts of your life you put off, because you just don’t have the time.
The next post in this series is coming soon, so stay tuned.
In the meantime, if you’re someone who tends to overwork, I think you’ll love this blog post on the connection between productivity and self-worth.
